What Are You Tolerating?

Posted on February 28, 2026 by Lisa Ivaldi

2-minute read

I was listening to a podcast by psychotherapist Terri Cole1 and I didn’t really understand what she meant when she said, “I deserve more than what I am tolerating.” She continued, “I want you to pause on this one and think about what you’re tolerating right now.” 

So I did.  I paused and I thought.  And I concluded that I wasn’t tolerating anything.  If something bothers me, I deal with it.

When will I learn that an immediate ‘I don’t do that’ response is a clear signal that I need to look more closely?

Terri continued, “And many of the things we tolerate are things we could change ourselves.  It might be something as simple as not liking the lighting in your bedroom or needing a new duvet.” 

When she said that you might not be “dialing into what you’re tolerating”.  That really caught my attention and I couldn’t get it out of my head.

Am I tolerating something that I’m not even seeing?  What am I not dialing into?

One obvious example hit me the next morning as I was getting out of the shower.  I always grab the bath mat off the shower door and drop it on the floor, folded in four.  So, as usual, after my shower, with no glasses on, I did my best to step over the side of the bathtub and land my foot on the tiny patch of bath mat on the floor.  It’s even more challenging if I’ve tossed my hairbrush out of the shower and onto the mat and have to avoid stepping on that too!  

Why do I do that?  Why do I drop the mat on the floor folded in four?  Why do I make it so small and difficult when I don’t have to?  Because that’s how it hangs on the shower door and that’s what I’d gotten used to doing. 

Once I saw it, I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t figured this out sooner.  It reminded me of the story of the captive baby elephant who has his foot tied with a rope to a wooden stake.  When the elephant is small, he can’t pull the stake out of the ground.  Over time he becomes accustomed to not being able to move away.  So when the elephant is fully grown and could easily pull the stake out of the ground, he doesn’t because it has become his reality.

Like the elephant, I had become accustomed to the small bath mat as my reality.  The same as having to climb over the side of the tub to get into the shower, it was just the way it is.  I wasn’t seeing how easily I could change the bath mat situation. 

Now, rather than just grabbing the mat off the rail as is, I unfold it before I drop it on the floor.  Such a simple change.  Such a big improvement.  It is so much easier getting out of the shower.

I’m hoping to open my mind to the possibilities of what else I may have grown accustomed to.  Situations in my life that I am not even aware that I am tolerating.  Is what I am accepting as ‘the way it is’, the way it has to be?  Based on my recent experience, I think it’s definitely worth my while to take a closer look.

1 The Terri Cole Show – Episode 799 – The HFC Recovery Code: 11 Truths for Healing from High-Functioning Codependency – January 26, 2026

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Becoming

Posted on January 31, 2026 by Lisa Ivaldi

3-minute read

Last year I was chatting with a woman I had met at an event the year before.  I recalled how we had joked about our ‘ideal other selves’ and all the healthy things those selves would be doing. Like getting up at sunrise to do yoga.

She had totally forgotten about the conversation.  I hadn’t.  I had thought about it periodically over the year.  Usually with some regret.  Wishing I was more like that other self.  Not doing anything about it.  Just thinking about it and knowing that it would likely never happen. 

I’m not an early riser.  I like my couch-centered morning routine, slowly easing into my day.  Still, that other self kept niggling at me.

I kept reading and seeing the message of how important it is to move your body first thing in the morning.  And every week at my noon hour yoga class my stiff, aging body told me I needed to move more, do more yoga.

So I tried to figure out what type of movement I could sustainably do in the mornings.  Over the years I’ve tried walking as soon as I get up.  I’ve tried working out in the mornings.  Nothing stuck for long.

My mind kept coming back to sun salutation.  It is literally a morning yoga practice to welcome the sun.  But it is also my least favourite yoga practice and I didn’t want to do it.

Then one morning out of frustration for not finding anything that I thought would work, I decided to try my own version of a short sun salutation.  Surprisingly, I liked it.  It felt good.  It felt right.  And I’ve kept doing it.   

So why have I been able to maintain doing a short yoga practice in the morning when just a few months ago that felt impossible?

Psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson1 explains, “the way to shape who you are becoming has to do with what your attention rests upon.”1  This is what he calls ‘taking in the good” and it increases “the storage of the experience you are having at the time.”

My short morning yoga practice feels good, so I pay attention to that feeling and repeat the practice the next day.  My attention is now resting on how good it feels to move in the morning. I’m taking in the good and reinforcing it.  I’m no longer reinforcing the negative stories I had been telling myself about how I’m not a morning person or that I don’t like sun salutation.

According to Hanson, our brains are designed to be changed by our experiences.  It’s called positive neuroplasticity.  “Much mental and therefore neural activity flows through the brain like ripples on a river, with no lasting effects on its channel. But intense, prolonged, or repeated mental/neural activity—especially if it is conscious—will leave an enduring imprint in neural structure, like a surging current reshaping a riverbed.”1

In a recent online talk, Hanson shared three of the ways that you can “actually increase positive change in your brain” and “reliably influence who you are becoming”:

  1. Have – When you have a useful experience, stay with it for a breath or longer.  Keep the neurons firing together so they can wire together and create a new neural pathway.
  2. Enrich – Really feel it in your body.  Enrich the pleasant sensation by feeling how good it feels and keeping your attention on that feeling for 10 or more seconds.
  3. Absorb – Focus on what’s rewarding about it.  What’s meaningful or enjoyable or both.  Because that will increase the storage of the experience you are having at the time.  Absorb that pleasurable sensation and feel it sinking into you.

I think that’s why morning yoga is sticking for me so far.  I adapted morning movement to make it pleasant for me.  I don’t get up any earlier to do it.  It’s only about 10 minutes, so it easily fits into my day.  I don’t have to leave the house and I’m in control of how challenging it is each day.

I’m not forcing myself to do something that I don’t want to do because it is good for me.  I’m repeating a pleasant activity and hopefully creating a new pathway in my brain. I’m taking in the good and giving myself the opportunity to become a different version of me.

Only time will tell if this new morning practice will stick long-term.  One thing I hope sticks forever is continually questioning the stories I am telling myself to make sure they are not limiting who I could become.

1 – Rick Hanson, PhD – Online Nervous System Reboot Summit and How to Grow the Good in Your Brain

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Why Do I Want to Know That?

Posted on December 31, 2025 by Lisa Ivaldi

4-minute read

Close-up picture of a tile mosaic

I was recently at a workshop where we were asked to bring a bowl.  Not for eating, but for a shared exercise.  We separated into pairs.  Our instructions were to sit facing each other and for one person to tell the story of their bowl and why they chose to bring it.  The speaker had about five minutes and the listener could not speak or interrupt.  Easy enough.  Except it wasn’t!

I had so many questions pop up as my partner was telling her story and I couldn’t ask them!  I am a curious person.  I usually ask lots of questions.  It helps me understand the story.  Or so I thought.

My husband sometimes gets frustrated when he is telling me a story and I interrupt with questions.  When I tell him I neeeeeed the answers to understand the story; he tells me I don’t.  That I could just listen without interrupting, and that I’ll understand more when he is done telling the story.  I thought he was wrong.  I thought we were having a two-way conversation.  But not all interactions are two-way conversations.  Sometimes a person just wants or needs to relay a story without being interrupted.  

After I was forced to sit and silently listen to my partner talk, I realized that my silence actually allowed her to tell HER story.  Her whole story.  Everything she wanted and needed to express.  There were lots of pauses and opportunities for surprises in where the story was taking her.

If I had been able to ask random questions as they popped into my head, I would have hijacked her story and perhaps taken it in a completely different direction.  My direction, not hers.  And likely not to where the story ended up taking her. 

At the very least I would have distracted her.  As Kate Murphy1 says in You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why it Matters, “Good listeners know there is usually more to the story than first appears and are not so eager for tidy reasoning and immediate answers … [they] avoid asking about incidental details that knock people off their train of thought and feeling state.”

The bowl exercise allowed me to clearly see my husband’s perspective.  I don’t always need to understand right in the moment.  It feels good to be heard.  To be able to tell a story without interruption and to full attention.  And if the answers to my questions are not answered in the full telling of the story, I can ask them later.

The recognition that my harmless questions were not only interrupting, but perhaps hijacking, the conversation was a big revelation for me.   And then the next, maybe bigger, revelation came as I was writing this.

I remembered a podcast where the presenter said that if someone asks you an uncomfortable question to purposefully throw you off balance, you can take back control by asking them – why do you want to know that?  While my innocuous questions likely would not have been uncomfortable for the storyteller and would not have been posed in a backhanded or mean way, why DID I want to know how many siblings she had or where her grandparents lived? 

Was it pure curiosity or was it a bid for control?  Kate Murphy1 says, “While you may feel a sense of urgency to tell people how you feel [or in my case, ask questions], it’s not always helpful.  You are putting your ego ahead of the other person’s vulnerability.” 

Ouch!  Maybe my seemingly caring curiosity is also about taking control away from the storyteller?  Maybe I have a hard time taking a back seat and just listening.  Maybe I do put my ego ahead of the other person’s need.  After all, hijacking is literally taking control of where something is going and “diversion to a new destination.”

So, why would I do that?

Perhaps because with questions, I have the illusion that I can direct the story where I want it to go.  To safe places.  I’m still in the driver’s seat.  No upsetting surprises. According to Sean Corne2, “there’s control, which is the safety mechanism of anyone who has experienced trauma, and then there is liberation … and the space between control and liberation is surrender.” 

With practice, I’m hoping to truly surrender to the unknown more and to open myself up to real curiosity.  To see where the story is going without trying to direct or control it or understand every little thing about it.

Fortunately, I get to practice this every day, in every interaction, with every person I speak to.  

1 You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why it Matters by Kate Murphy

2 Seane Corn – “Steady Breath, Steady Heart” Insights at the Edge podcast

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The Book and the Fire Ceremony

Posted on November 4, 2025 by Lisa Ivaldi
Picture of book

In 2011, I started writing the Insight Clarity Growth blog to share new-to-me information that was too cool to keep to myself.  Over the 10 years that I wrote the blog, I realized that the person I most wanted to hear what I was sharing was my daughter, Kathryn.  I think that’s the main reason I kept writing. 

Fast forward to September 2025.  Kathryn’s getting married.

While thinking about what I wanted to offer Kathryn as a sort of shower before her wedding; my mind was taken to the novel, The Red Tent.  The red tent was where the women of the tribe all took refuge while menstruating or upon birthing, and “in which they find mutual support and encouragement from their mothers, sisters, and aunts”.  I wanted to ‘shower’ Kathryn with the kind of knowledge, wisdom, and love that I imagined was shared in that tent every month. 

I asked my friend and local shamanic practitioner, Linda1, if she would be interested in leading a rite of passage fire ceremony for Kathryn and me before her wedding.  I invited a group of soul-led, wise women who are important in my life to witness, support, and share with both Kathryn and me as we celebrated this milestone event.

The ceremony was to be held about two weeks before the wedding with 14 women in attendance, including two of Kathryn’s dear friends to support her during the ‘journey’.  In keeping with the red tent inspiration, all the women wrote something they felt called from their hearts to share with Kathryn as she progresses through the transition into this next stage of her life. 

When I realized that I too had to prepare something to share with Kathryn at the ceremony, what really wanted to be shared was all the wisdom – the teachings and learnings – that I wrote about in the blog.

I’d thought over the years about putting the blog into a book format but it always seemed like too much and got pushed off my plate.  Now I had a pressing reason and a short deadline.  Two of my favourite things to get motivated!  So, with help from One Thousand Trees2, my book was published in September.  Just in time to give to Kathryn at the rite of passage ceremony.

Picture of despacho

We began by gathering around a large table. Linda led us in creating a beautiful Despacho, or prayer bundle, where we all added our intentions to support Kathryn on her journey and for the journey of our collective future.  And like the red tent, it was a wonderful opportunity for a group of women to come together in community for a few hours.  It felt like an outpouring of love.

Once the bundle was complete, we gathered outside.  All the women circled around Kathryn and I for the rite of passage journey led by Linda.  In turn, each woman read their sharing to Kathryn.  The sharings included poems, songs, and lots of lived wisdom.  We all laughed and I think we all cried a little bit.  I was truly moved by each woman’s heartfelt sharing about marriage and life, and the loving energy they brought to the ceremony.  And then surrounded by that loving energy, Kathryn and I cut the cords to each other, allowing us to move forward into our individual destinies with love.  Finally, we placed the Despacho in the fire, releasing the prayers and our supportive intentions for Kathryn to spirit.  

Picture of fire

It was an amazing experience and I still feel lifted by the energy we generated together.  One of many gifts from the rite of passage ceremony was it being the impetus for me publishing the beautiful book, Insight Clarity Growth, and offering it to the world, as well as to Kathryn. 

I look forward to sharing the journey of publishing this book and its many lessons with those of you who stick around for the next chapter of this blog. 

It is my wish that Kathryn, and whoever else reads the book, will receive the gift of each lesson at exactly the moment in life they need to hear it.

(Note: You can order your copy of Insight Clarity Growth either directly from me here or from One Thousand Trees)

1 www.redandwhitecarnations.ca

2 www.onethousandtrees.com

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Holding Space

Posted on March 31, 2023 by Lisa Ivaldi

3-minute read

Picture of four brightly coloured deck chairs in a row.

What is holding space?

Dr. Nicole LePera describes it as being “fully present and curious with someone, without judging or attempting to change them, as they express their emotions and experiences.” 1  I’d heard of it, but I didn’t truly understand the power of holding space until I experienced it firsthand. 

I was staying at a small, nearly empty, hotel in Newfoundland during the off-season last year.  One evening as I was walking down the hallway toward the lobby, I heard the hotel front desk clerk say into the phone, “it’s okay, it’s going to be alright, I love you.”  She hung up the phone just as I got there and before I knew what I was doing, I asked this total stranger if everything was okay. 

Without hesitation, it all came pouring out.  She told me she was speaking to her husband on the phone.  He had incurable cancer and was near the end of his life.  I calmly listened as she explained that her husband didn’t leave the house very much as he was no longer mobile and had trouble breathing.  Unfortunately, his son often got drunk and phoned his dying father to yell at him for not visiting his grandchildren more often.  Upset, her husband would then call her. 

She said her husband’s calls were very hard on her.  She wanted to be there for him, but she would be so upset after talking to him that she couldn’t think clearly.  The situation was affecting her ability to do her job, and she needed to keep working.

When she had got it all out, she shook her head and said “I shouldn’t be telling you all this.”  I assured her that I was glad to be there to hear her story.  She was visibly calmer and I could see that it had really helped her to be able to talk about what was happening.  But, why did it help?  Nothing had changed.  Her problem wasn’t solved.  Why did just telling her story calm her down?      

I later found out why from a podcast on Polyvagal Theory 2.

Apparently, our autonomic nervous system moves in and out of three states all the time depending on external stimuli.  When we are feeling safe and calm, we are in what is called a ‘ventral vagal state’ (rest and digest) and ready for social engagement and connecting with others.  When we are feeling unsafe or stressed, we are in one of the two other states – ‘sympathetic’ (fight or flight) or ‘dorsal vagal’ (freeze).

Although we need all three of these states to keep us safe and functioning well, our ability to continually return to a calm ventral vagal state, or rest and digest, once any danger or stress has passed keeps our nervous system regulated and healthy.

Deborah Dana explains that when life has gotten too much for us and we are feeling overwhelmed, we go into a sympathetic state of anxiety.  In this state, we can’t do anything about the problem because we’re stuck in it.  We’re just swimming around and around in it. (2)  Much like the hotel clerk after she spoke to her husband.

I, on the other hand, was on vacation and feeling safe and calm in that moment.  When we feel safe, “it is reflected in our eyes, our voice, and our body language.  We are fully present, and there is a lightness and ease in our manner.  This sense of safety is passed on to others in a process called co-regulation.  When others are reassured that you are not a threat, they, too, will feel safe and enter the same social activation mode that sets them at ease.” 1 

So, I didn’t have to solve the hotel clerk’s problem to help her feel better.  Through co-regulation, I had extended my ventral vagal connection to her at a time when she had lost connection to her own.2  

How powerful is that!  We can help regulate another person’s nervous system by calmly holding space for them to get back to a state where they can think clearly enough to figure out their own problem or at least get on with life.

—

1 – How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self by Dr. Nicole LePera

2 – Becoming An Active Operator of Your Nervous System, Insights at the Edge podcast with Deborah Dana, LCSW November 2021 (https://resources.soundstrue.com/podcast/becoming-an-active-operator-of-your-nervous-system/)

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Hope

Posted on March 31, 2022 by Lisa Ivaldi

3 min read

The current world situation is disturbing to say the least.  The pandemic, climate change, social justice, war.  It seems that every time I look at the news or social media there is another disaster or disheartening situation happening.  I’ve been finding it hard to keep my eyes and ears open and not get sucked down into despair.

Late last year I watched an online summit called Activating Hope.  The opening talk was by Jane Goodall, co-author of The Book of Hope: A Survival Guide for Trying Times.  She began by going over all the problems we currently face.  She covered everything I was concerned about and added in a few new ones that I hadn’t even thought of!

Then over the next four days, speaker after speaker began to offer hope by sharing stories about the projects they were working on.  Learning about so many positive initiatives going on around the world really helped lift my spirits. 

But this year continues to be extremely challenging.  The division in Canada highlighted by the convoys.  The Russian invasion of Ukraine.  Once again, it’s hard not to spiral down into despair and apathy.  Despair when I think about what’s going on in the world and apathy when I don’t think about it – neither of which is a good thing.

I’m currently reading a book where the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu share how they stay positive, and actually joyful, during trying times.  They reminded me that “often what we think is reality is only part of the picture.  We look at one of the calamities in our world … and then we look again, and we see all those who are helping to heal those who have been harmed.” 1 It’s true.  I see this every day in the news and social media.  Beautiful stories of humanity at its best.  Encouraging, hope-giving stories that help me stay connected to the world without falling into despair about the future.

Also helping me are two of the messages I took away from Activating Hope – get involved in change and have a regular spiritual practice.

I know the regular spiritual practice part is key for me.  I need to get out in nature for a walk, meditate, read, and connect with others.  These are all part of my spiritual practice. 

But how to get involved in change when it comes to conflict in the world?  I’ve started attending online group meditations for peace and healing.  This feels really helpful.  I had been sending love and peace to areas of conflict as part of my personal practice but being part of a group feels much more powerful. 

And according to some studies, lifting my mood affects more than just me, “your current state of mind carries an intention that has an effect on life around you.  The mind continues affecting its surroundings whether or not we are consciously sending an intention.  To think is to affect.”2 

I know I don’t want to bring more fear into the world by only focusing on the bad things that are happening and then imagining a bleak future.  So, I’ll keep the Dalai Lama’s words in mind when I hear the news, “if you let your imagination run wild, then you exacerbate the situation further and then bring more fear.”  I’ll do my best to adopt “the wider perspective” and see that “there are many more positive things happening in our world.”1

And, I’ll keep taking action in the small ways that I can … meditating, writing letters, signing petitions, and supporting worthwhile organizations.  Because as Jane Goodall says, “The antidote to depression and lack of hope is taking action.”3

1 – The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu with Douglas Abrams

2 – The Intention Experiment by Lynne McTaggart

3 – Jane Goodall, https://www.bbc.com/travel/article/20210318-why-jane-goodall-is-hopeful-in-2021

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Releasing Trapped Emotions

Posted on January 31, 2022 by Lisa Ivaldi

3 min read

Last year I read a book1 about releasing trapped emotions.  I’d heard of ‘emotional baggage’ but never really thought about how much I might be carrying or that I could release it. 

We all have emotions, big and little, all the time, and if for some reason we don’t process our emotions fully, they get stuck or trapped.  We move on, but our bodies hold that unprocessed emotion. 

The whole concept of releasing trapped emotions really resonated with me and I’ve been working with it ever since.  I recently cleared a trapped emotion of ‘Taken for Granted’.  During the process, which for me is like a meditation, I could feel the sense of being taken for granted come up, the resentment – why doesn’t anyone ever see me, see what I do, appreciate me, acknowledge my contribution?  I don’t know exactly where it came from, not from anything I was currently experiencing, but it felt big.

And then it dawned on me … I don’t appreciate me.  I take me for granted.  I often discount my contribution and dismiss my inner wisdom.  How could anyone else appreciate me if I didn’t appreciate myself?  Good question.

Rebecca Campbell2 writes, “In order for other people to acknowledge us, first we need to acknowledge ourselves.  The people in our lives are merely mirrors reflecting back to us what we believe about the Universe and ourselves.  … What am I not seeing in myself that longs to be seen?”

I saw that the only way to stop feeling taken for granted by others is to stop taking myself for granted.  Once I came to that realization and apologized to myself, I could feel the trapped emotion releasing.  My body relaxed and when it felt like the emotion was completely released, I mentally filled every cell in my body with love and appreciation.

Martha Beck3 describes that when you get “in touch with the deep sense of truth” that she calls your ‘Inner Teacher’ … you can feel it in all aspects of your being (body/mind/heart/soul) at once.”

She explains that the “body’s reaction to recognizing truth is relaxation, a literal, involuntary release of muscle tension”.  Check, I definitely felt that. 

“When our minds recognize truth, we experience that invisible cartoon light bulb going on in our heads, the feeling of a riddle being solved.  … All the puzzle pieces fit.  The math works.  Everything makes logical sense.”  Yep, total light bulb moment.

“To our heart, the ring of truth feels like a flower opening up … we’re completely available to all emotion: overwhelming love, deep grief, terrible anger, sharp fear.”  Again, a big yes.  I completely felt the emotion I was releasing and lots of other ones too – ending with a big flow of love, compassion, and gratitude. 

Finally, “The emotional pain of a hard truth is eased by our soul’s response to aligning with reality.  Around and beyond mere emotion, we feel a sense of freedom, a vast openness that includes all aspects of our experience.”  Thanks Martha, that pretty much sums it up. 

Releasing this particular trapped emotion made me realize how much I need to appreciate myself more, love myself more, and to listen to my inner voice more.  Basically, to give myself everything I would like to receive from others.  I’m looking forward to seeing what that reflects back to me in life. 

—

  1. The Emotion Code by Dr. Bradley Nelson
  2. Light is the New Black: A Guide to Answering your Soul’s Callings and Working Your Light by Rebecca Campbell
  3. The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self by Martha Beck
Posted in emotions, energy | Tagged , , , , | 8 Comments

Assumptions

Posted on December 31, 2021 by Lisa Ivaldi

2 min. read

Lately I’ve been reminded of really good writing advice that I heard years ago – avoid the assumption that your readers know what you know.  Your characters are in your head, so you know what they are thinking and doing – the reader doesn’t.  You have to tell the story from the beginning to the end without missing any of the important details in the middle or you risk leaving the reader in the dark. 

Makes sense and sounds easy but I’ve messed this up, not only in writing, but in life too.  I can remember too many times in my work life where I was working diligently on fixing a problem.  So diligently in fact that I didn’t take the time to inform all the parties involved that I was aware of the problem and working to resolve it. 

Not only that, I would get annoyed if someone got in touch to let me know about the problem and ask questions.  Geesh, can’t you just give me some space and let me fix the problem!  Oh wait, I didn’t tell you I was fixing the problem!  Oops.

I was recently involved in a similar type of situation where I felt like I was the one in the dark.   After a couple of uncomfortable interactions with a friend they explained something that made me say, “but you didn’t tell me that!” 

We were in communication and on the same page at the beginning of the story but then we stopped communicating and continued the story in our own heads.

We both made assumptions and as Don Miguel Ruiz1 says, “The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth.  We could swear they are real.  We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking – we take it personally – then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word.  That is why whenever we make assumptions, we’re asking for problems.”

Unsurprisingly, when my friend and I met up again closer to the end of our story, we were nowhere near on the same page.  The story lines in our heads had taken us in completely different directions.

Fortunately, we were eventually able to get back to the same page, but it took a really frank conversation to mend the hurt feelings. 

If we hadn’t kept each other in the dark, if we had shared the really important middle bits of the story, if we had asked questions, we could have avoided the assumptions and the hurt feelings altogether. 

I hope in the future, rather than leaving myself and other people in the dark to make assumptions, I remember Don Miguel Ruiz’s advice and “Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama.”

As always, communication is key.

Wishing you Insight, Clarity, and Growth in the new year as well as Peace, Joy, and Love.

1 – Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

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Anger

Posted on November 30, 2021 by Lisa Ivaldi

3 min. read

There is a lot of anger in the world right now.  Some over-the-top-crazy stuff like road rage and shootings, and lots of low-level simmering frustration.  Nearly every time I look at social media there is some kind of disagreement going on.  Politics, public health issues, personal choices … you name it and people are disagreeing about it. 

I too recently got into a heated debate.  Two very different opinions and neither of us willing to see the validity of the other side.  No resolution. No meeting of minds.  And even days after it was over, I continued to get heated whenever I thought about it … and I thought about it quite often. 

It took me a while to step back and see the interaction from a more neutral perspective.  There really was no difference between us at all.  Neither of us was truly listening to the other.  I was just as infuriating as they were – only keeping quiet until I could counter with my “right” opinion.  Not surprisingly, that only succeeded in getting them to try harder to convince me of theirs.  As Terri Cole says, “debating doesn’t allow us to listen with the intention of understanding.  How can you listen when you’re simply trying to crush another person’s perspective with your airtight argument?”1

And that’s exactly what I was doing.  I thought that I could convince them to come around to my way of thinking and I got frustrated when they didn’t.  It was enlightening to later read that self-righteousness “immediately repels those you hope to persuade or inspire.”2

Wow.  That’s the total opposite of what I was trying to achieve.  In hindsight, I could see how I was turning them off with my “rightness” as much as they were turning me off with theirs.  All I’d really succeeded in doing was getting all worked up and angry.

Once I’d more clearly and accurately seen my part in the interaction, I looked back at some reading I’d done on anger and realized that I had done pretty much everything opposite to psychologist Harriet Lerner’s3 wise counsel.

I had forgotten that everyone has a right to everything they think and feel, just like I do.  I had forgotten that “there are as many ways of seeing the world as there are people in it”.  I stated my thoughts and feelings clearly, but I forgot that it is not my job to make another person think and feel the way I do or the way I want them to.  Boy, did I forget that one.  That was my whole goal – to make them think and feel the way I wanted them to.

It’s easy to see now how impossible the situation was.  Both sides trying to make the other side think and feel the same as them.  Futile. 

So, what’s a better way?  As hard as it may be in the heat of the moment, recognize that I am participating in an intellectual argument that is going nowhere and will never go anywhere.  Stop spinning my wheels trying to convince others of the “rightness” of my position and getting angry when that inevitably doesn’t work.

And here’s the really hard part.  Disengage.  Take a breath and end the argument by taking Dr. Lerner’s advice and simply saying, “Well, it may sound crazy to you, but this is how I feel.”  Or, “I understand that you disagree, but I guess we see it differently.”  And move on to another subject knowing that everyone’s right to their thoughts and feelings has been respected.

  1. Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free by Terri Cole
  2. The Hope: A Guide to Sacred Activism by Andrew Harvey
  3. The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

Posted in Behaviour, Communication, Life, Perspective | Tagged , , , , , | 6 Comments

What I Know for Sure

Posted on October 31, 2021 by Lisa Ivaldi

2 min. read

When I was much younger and new to the work world, I met many opinionated people.  At the time, I associated having very strong opinions with being smart.  I assumed that they must be very knowledgeable to be so sure. 

I wasn’t that knowledgeable.  I would hear one side of an argument and be totally convinced.  That is, until I heard the other side of the argument and was totally convinced again.  It seemed that my opinion was solely based on the last piece of information I received.

I thought this made me wishy-washy and easily swayed.  Seriously, for years I thought that if I were smarter, I would be capable of discerning which piece of information was absolutely right and sticking with it – no swaying.

I’ve slowly come to realize that having a flexible and open mind is not wishy-washy at all.  In fact, being willing to refine what you think you know is what the scientific method is based on.  It’s how knowledge is advanced.

The current Dalai Lama discarded the traditional Buddhist teachings that describe a flat earth because “one fundamental attitude shared by Buddhism and science is the commitment to keep searching for reality by empirical means and to be willing to discard accepted or long-held positions if our search finds that the truth is different.”1 

Years ago, I cut out an article about the distinguished University of Toronto political science professor, Richard Simeon, because I loved that his students would sometimes call him “professor-on-the-one-hand and professor-on-the-other.”2   I loved that as one of Canada’s leading political scientists, Professor Simeon wasn’t described as wishy-washy, he was described as “fair, inclusive, curious and tolerant.”    

So, do I still think that if I were smarter, I would know what was absolutely right?  No.  Now I tend to side more with Bertrand Russell when he said “in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.”3    

1 The Universe in a Single Atom: The Convergence of Science and Spirituality, His Holiness the Dalai Lama

2 Magazine.UToronto.ca – Spring 2014

3 The Triumph of Stupidity, Bertrand Russell

Posted in Perspective | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments