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Over the years our family has had many discussions about the value of big, expensive weddings.  My very definite opinion was that they are a waste of money that could be put to better use … buying a house, going on vacation, saving for the future.  No brainer!  Thousands of dollars for a few hours of partying or putting that money into something more substantial and lasting.

So when my daughter announced she was getting married, I was surprised to hear that she wasn’t planning a nice small wedding and saving her money for a memorable honeymoon or buying a house.  She wanted a full-blown wedding.  Dress, flowers, cake, party.  The whole shebang.  I was disappointed that she couldn’t see the waste of a big wedding and I let her know every time she brought the subject up.

Then one day, when I was getting my hair cut, my hairdresser brought up the topic of weddings.  I said something about not being a fan, and instead of agreeing with me, she looked at me sideways and said, “My wedding day was the best day of my life!”  Yeah, yeah.  I’d heard that before and was pretty sure it was just a way for people to justify the money they had wasted on a fancy dress and a big party.

I smiled and nodded and hoped we could change the subject.  But no, she went on to describe her whole wedding day to me.  Her salon is on the property where she was married and she was pointing out where everything was, who was there, all the smallest details.  She was clearly reliving every moment while I, trapped in the chair, quietly endured it and waited for the story to be over.  I don’t think I was even really listening.  Just nodding politely as she droned on.

But a curious thing happened.  The more she talked, the more she lit up, and the more I could feel myself reluctantly waking up.  She was practically exuding joy and I couldn’t resist being drawn to it.  Her joy was so palpable that it slowly melted my heart and chipped away at my certainty about weddings being a waste of time and money.  By the end of my appointment, I could clearly see that her wedding day actually was the best day of her life.

I left there a changed person.  I had the clear realization that if I continued trying to talk my daughter out of having the wedding she wanted, I would be robbing her of the joy that my hairdresser got, and was clearly still getting years later, from the best day of her life.  It was like a light bulb was turned on and I could clearly see what was hidden before.

And sadly, I also realized that I had already been depriving my daughter of joy by being a naysayer and downer every time she mentioned her wedding plans.  I decided to stop robbing her of the joy of planning her wedding day with my eye rolls and obvious disdain for the whole process and to start sharing in her joy.

I thought I was doing my daughter a service by showing her how commercialized weddings were and that she would regret spending the money on a perceived societal norm just because everyone on social media was doing it.  I wasn’t looking at it from her perspective.  Just because a big wedding would have been a waste of money for me, didn’t mean it would be for her. 

As Brianna Wiest wisely wrote, “that idea may be wrong for you, but it exists because it is right to someone else.” ¹   

So, when my daughter mentioned that she was making appointments to view wedding dresses, instead of rolling my eyes, I told her I would like to go.  When she said she thought I would hate that and asked me why I wanted to go, I told her about my experience with the hairdresser and how I wanted to be part of her joy.

And you know what, we had fun going to all the fancy stores with various friends and family.  I let go of price tags and wedding industry judgment and just had fun with her.  Her wedding, her way, her joy. 

My daughter’s wedding day turned out to be one of the most joy-filled days of my life.  I walked around smiling uncontrollably the whole day.  Thank you Allison for helping me to open my heart and choose joy over judgment.  I am so glad that I was a captive audience in your chair that day.  

¹ 101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think by Brianna Wiest